Dancing In The Rain

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

One of my biggest fear is being trapped. I really can't be trapped in any single way. Be it in a room or a relationship. I can't even stand wearing the safety belt in the car. It really scares me 2 be trapped and i'll feel suffocated. I need my freedom like how a fish needs water 2 survive. So you've gotta gimme me my space. Don't every rush me or control me. I'll get bitchy and distant myself eventually.

I really adore silence. You don't have 2 fill every moment with me talking. Sometimes, silence is the best way of communication. The best way to know someone. The best way to feel comfortable with that person. Sometimes, you being here with me is more than enough already.

I'm an avoider/ignorer. I'm best at this game. When something that i don't like happens, i'll avoid it. I keep pushing it 2 d back of my mind and say "i'll do it tmr/ one day" over and over again. But sometimes, i avoid the problem till it becomes too big to handle. This is bad habit. Lolx. And i ignore practically everything. From unhappy things to people on the streets. So if you see me and i didn't even look at you, don't get on my fucking nerves and say i 'm being a bitch. Then again, i am one most of d time. =)

Just because she comes off strong doesn't mean she didn't fall asleep crying and even though she acts like nothing is wrong, maybe, just maybe - she's really good at lying.
There's always a side which absolutely no one has ever seen.

Gotta slp. It's fucking 4am d.

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointin' out my wrongs
i never needed pain,i never needed strain.
My love for you was strong enough you should've known.

I never needed you for judgement
I never needed you to question what i spent
I never asked for help, I take care of myself,
I don't know why you think you got a hold on me.

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how i act to what i say
i never needed words, i never needed hurt,
i never needed you to be there everyday.

I'm sorry for the way i let go
Of everything i wanted when you came along
But i am never beaten, broken, not defeated
I know next to you is not where i belong.

And it's a little late for explanations
There isn't anything that you can do.

And she survived.. ;

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

In loving memory..

It's been exactly one week since she passed away. She didn't even get 2 do the surgery (it's another fucking long story). My mom called me bout 4.35pm on 17 march 2008 and asked me whether i can leave work cz d hosp called n said my grandma was in critical condition. So i rushed out from work n went 2 d hosp. My mom dropped me off at d lobby n i literally ran all d way 2 my grandma's room. Bt it was too late.

When i reached there i was my small aunty n howard standing outside n her bed curtain was pulled closely. I thought that d nurse was changing her or smtg cz i din look at them standing outside. But once i pulled open d curtain i realized that everything was bare. Empty. All d equipments were not at their usual place. The drip thingy n morphine was nt dere anymore. And a white blanket was pulled over her face. It was really horrible. I was a fucking mess that time.

When she died, she was alone. No one was there. Granted she might not be able to know that anyone was with her cz she was so heavily dosed on morphine (which help ease her pain n made her really really blur/ groggy). When my mom finally came up, i couldn't even look her in d eye cz i was afraid 2 see her cry. To see her sad. She went through d curtains n pulled down my grandma's blanket n whispered smtgs and all i did was stand at d curtain edge n cry. I couldn't even walk through d curtains. I didn't dare to look at my grandma. I didn't dare to touch her. Cz i didn't want to believe she left. All i just did was stand at d edge n cry my fucking eyes out.

If only there was no traffic jam when we were heading 2 d hosp.
If only i had told my boss i couldn't work that day and stick 2 my plan of being in d hosp 2 accompany her.
If only i had woke up earlier that day so i can follow my mom 2 d hosp in d morning to see her but instead i opt 2 sleep in.
If only my mom had follow her instinct 2 take d whole day off like she wanted to.
If only d fucking doctors didn't say she have at least 1-3 months left. She left us all too sudden.

The last thing she said to me (before she was on morphine) was that my hands are really cold. Cz i asked her if she was still cold bt all she said was it's painful. So i put my hands under d blanket 2 touch her hand but her hands felt warm in mine. Cz my hands were even colder than hers. Lolx. I don't even rmb d last time i hugged her.

And she died of lymphoma cancer. After 5 yrs of battling it and 3 1/2 rounds of chemo, it finally catch up to her. It was at d last stage and it even spread 2 her liver and abit in her lungs.

I really really miss her. Sometimes i still think that she's alive. But after 5 seconds, reality comes crashing. I couldn't sleep properly for days after she died. I couldn't even eat. Everytime i close my eyes, i see her with d blanket on her face. I see her wrapped like a mummy with strings tying her b4 they roll her 2 d morgue. I see her face in d coffin. Looks like she's slping but i knew better (she breathes through her mouth when she slps). I see her coffin at d cremation place with fire burning d coffin. Bt now, everytime before i slp, i think about how happy she is cz she finally can be with my grandpa. =)

I have quite alot of happy memories of her.
I rmb she took care of me when i was in standard 2-3.
I rmb her dishes were fantastically delicious.
I rmb her hands can really handle heat. It's like she can't even feel it.
I rmb she don't trust washing machines cz after d machines washes d clothes, she'll jz hand wash them again.
I rmb she loves make up (like me, vain pot). She even put make up when she's only accompanying me n my sis when waiting 4 bus.
I rmb she irons everything. Including underwears n hanky.
I rmb she use 2 give me 1 or 2 ringgit 2 buy sweets.
I rmb she swear dam keng in chinese.
I rmb her favourite food was "loh mai kai" and we promised her we'll buy her one once she's out from d hosp. Unfortunately she din make it. So i insisted 2 put it in her coffin so she can eat after. Lolx

And for that i really love her. I really miss her too.

And she survived.. ;

Saturday, March 14, 2009

It's fucking nice to be d only 2 nieces my both uncles has from my mother's side. Cz they don't have any children of their own and so naturally they shower us their attention. But only during CNY cz it's d only time of d year we'll ever meet. Cz of some fucked up sibling rivalry n all.

But it's nice. Cz when we do well in our exams, they reward us. Sometimes better then my parents. My sis recently got her SPM results and guess what that smart ass got? Eight fucking A's. So my big uncle gave her eight fucking hundred. Lucky bitch. (but anyway, still congratz 2 her. I knew she'll get good results cz she's d smart ass of d family. But a B for fucking EST? that is plain ridiculous) And my big uncle gives us money every year to buy clothes or spend and they both gives us big anypaos every year. So fucking sorry that i like them cz they give us $$. But that's all they really do.

But there's a downside as well. Cz we're their only nieces, they wanna pass their knowledge 2 us or whatever fuck. Like 2day, my big uncle ask me whether i wanna learn the art of tea. Not just any tea. Chinese fucking tea. I almost fuck up my wine la, so how the hell am i gonna learn chinese tea. And my small uncle keep asking me 2 join Amway. The fuck? I'm nt business ppl la. If i don't trust/ use a product i sure cannot persuade ppl 2 try.

And another thing ppl. Just stop asking me why i dont wanna learn to fucking drive. I just don't. I'm sick of explaining y and i don't wanna drive ok? End of story.

My popo is gonna do sugery 2day cz her small intestine is blocked and makes her throw up anything she puts in her stomach and is in fucking pain. She also has cancer in her liver and another part (dont rmb). Doctor said it's gonna be a 50-50 chance but i know she'll be fucking fine. Cz she's my grandma. And she's fucking strong.

But if anything do happened to her (touch wood) i'm sure i'll cry like a fucking baby. But i know in d end i'll be happy for her and mayb jealous too. Cz she gets to leave this fucked up world. And she's been alone for far too long. My grandpa died when i was 8. I'm almost 19 now. 10 whole fucking years. I don't know how she does it. Seriously.

But her being in d hosp brings sadness yet happiness. Cz my mom and uncles are finally (i hope) putting their rubbish behind them and they meet up practically every night to visit my grandma. In a way i'm kinda glad my grandma has that sickness where she hardly rmbs any1 or anything anymore. Cz i think she'll be fucking sad if this is what it takes for her children to get togather. I know i will.

I would say i'm fucking sorry for all d fucks in here (I already tried my best 2 lessen it) bt whatever la. I know the story is a bad for me but i can't help it. It's fucking nice. So blame d author =)

It's super bz here 2day and d phone is irratating d hell outta me. I shld nt hav agreed to work 2day bt i'm a nice girl. And my boss is enjoying her holiday in Perth and her sat part time girl cannot come so being d nice girl, I'll sacrifice my fucking saturday.

Sometimes, i wish i can burn d fucking phone.

And never underestimate d power of a miniskirt. And flirting =)

And she survived.. ;

Friday, March 13, 2009

Ystd was really boring at work. Like really fucking boring. Whole day only got 1 customer n so i thought d phone was spoiled. Haha

So i spend d whole day reading a really long ass story (264,284 words, 42 chapters and it's not even close to ending). Which had one too many fucks in it bcuz d main character curse like a sailor (and i still dont know y sailor curse like.. well a sailor) and now my mind is full of the word "fuck". Haha. Every single sentence i think also got one fuck in it somewhere. And i hav 2 be careful when talking 2 my mom cz she absolutely hates that word. So i have 2 filter my words b4 actually talking outloud. If u can hear me talk now, i'm sry 4 d fucks i'll say. Seriously. I really have 2 stop reading stories like that. Need to read more child-friendly n less vulgar stories. Lolx

Thank god today work isnt so bad. A lil bz n all but tmr wil be super bz. Shld be la cz it's a saturday n all. Actually i dont wanna work tmr. But whatever la. Got more $$ 2 go shopping. N mayb a vacation 2 somewhere. And i wanna go 2 d beach! =)

I had 2 edit this post so many times cz hand itchy type wat i was thinking. Haha. N i've gotta maintain this blog as PG 13. At least i think it's still PG 13 now la.

I must be a good girl d. Must stop smoking and drinking so much. I need to find new ways 2 distract myself (from me and god knows what) which doesn't include spending alot of $$ (read: shopping) and doesn't harm my health (I know i drink n smoke like nuts but i also i know alcohol n cigg is freaking bad for my health la- i'm nt fucking retarded). I will change! Soon la. When i find my perfect distraction.

And i fucking love unicorns.

And she survived.. ;

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Was browsing 4 some idea of my next tattoo. I know i said i wanted 2 do a cross but it doesn't really means anything to me except it's pretty and my mom's religion. Lolx so i might not do that yet.

I might do a pair of wings. Still deciding between angel's wing or devil's wing. Or maybe half half. Hmm...

A few of my favorite spots 4 a tattoo and some cool designs. And some weird ones. Haha

This is dam cool. It's under her breast =)

I like this pic. D wings aso not bad but i love d cross in between.

Somehow, i like this too. It's simple and meaningful (if i put words that means smtg 2 me la)

This is d best wings i've found. Love the detail of it and the slit where d wings come from and stitches attaching it to his body. Fucking nice

Devil wings. Among those that i've found, this is one of d nicer ones.

Devil and Angel wings. Enough said.

I really really love this! Too bad i'm in d wrong industry. Sigh

Cool rite?

I like this as well.

Nicole Richie's rosary tattoo.

Nice area but d design abit too complicated. If it's just a simple one, it wld look nicer.

This is nice too. I wanted to do at my ribs as well but to so huge words.

D colored words looks like crayon la haha

Cute

I saw alot of ppl do this tattoo. It looks cute bt kinda childish. Like a cartoon character. Lolx

This has gotta be the weirdest tattoo ever. Haha (i doubt it's even real la)

Spidey wannabe. Lol

This is simple and nice la. It even has it's story:

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

And this, it a Twilight fan.

It's from this quote, towards the end of New Moon, by Edward Cullen:

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars---points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

I fucking love this. Like i said, wrong industry. Sigh...

And this is so freaking cute!! Bt i won't have d guts 2 do it. Lolx

He did it himself with an electronic toothbrush n other random stuff.

For super forgetful ppl. Like someone i know. Haha

This is seriously nuts. And it's real.

All pics credits goes to Deviant art and several other sites (sry i don't rmb d).

After posting this, i suddenly feel like doing a tattoo d. Lolx

CaRm3n

And she survived.. ;

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Found smtg real funny:

Dear Shin Yi,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but Your nostrils are insulting. I think I realized it When your dog ran amok At the mental hospital and I saw you Sit on My John F. Kennedy-statue. I'm sure you're Frostbitten enough to understand That Santa doesn't exist. I'm returning Your ring to you, but I'll keep The oil stocks as a memory. You should also know that I Told in my confession today about To hate the Boston Celtics .

Go burn

-Carmen-

HAHA. when i 1st read it i laughed like idiot. I'm dam bored

Here's how you do this meme.

Do the "Letter MEME". Tag no less than 5 other people, and leave them a comment, informing them that they have been tagged. Then copy the "How-to" Letter Meme, and finish your Journal entry.

Dear ________(the last person who left a comment on your blog/journal):

I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I'm sure you're ___6___enough to understand ___7___. I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ .

___12___,

-Your name-

Fill in the blanks with choices of answers as below:-

1. What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White - I'll join the monastery
Black - I dislike you
Green - Our horoscope doesn't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're a loser
Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night
February - Last year
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on sesame seeds
May - First of May
June - When you put cuffs on me
July - When I threw up
August - When I saw the shrunken head
September - When we skinny dipped
October - When I quoted Santa
November - When your dog ran amok
December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Pizza - In your camping car
Pasta - Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad - As you ate enchilada
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Paris Hilton
Fish - In women's clothing
Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a state of trance
None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put leeches on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the toupee off
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive out

5. What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My best friend
White - My father
Grey - Bill Clinton
Brown - My fart balloon
Purple - My mustard soufflé
Red - Donald Duck
Blue - My avocado plant
Yellow - My penpal in Ghana
Orange - My Kid Rock-collection
Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper
None - My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs - Man
O.C. - Emotional
One Tree Hill - Open
Heroes - Frostbitten
Lost - High
House - Scared
Simpsons - Cowardly
The news - Mongolic
Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Senile
Top Model - Middle-class
None of the above - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful I've felt
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed - That we're cousins
Excited - That there is no solution to this
Nervous - The middle-east
Worried - That your Honda sucks
Apathetic - That I did a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster
Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous - That I'm open
Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your ring
Yellow - Your love letters
Red - Your Darth Vader-poster
Black - Your tame stone
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from LA
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your contact book
Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple - Your old lottery coupons
Pink - How awful I've felt
Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo
C/D - The oil stocks
E/F - Your neighbour Martin
G/H - My virginity
I/J - The results of your blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear
M/N - Your suicide note
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X - David's tricot outfits
Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Hate your guts
C/D - Never will forget
E/F - Always wanted to break
G/H - Never openly mocked
I/J - Always have felt dirty before
K/L - Will tell the authorities about
M/N - Told in my confession today about
O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about
S/T - Get sick when I think of
U/V - Always will try to forget
W/X - Am better off without
Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer - Senility
Soft drink - A new life as a clone
Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk - The apartment building
Wine - Cocaine abuse
Cider - A passionate interest for mice
Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water - Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky - To ruin the second world war
Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand - Warm regards
USA - Best regards
England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain - Go and drown yourself
China - Disgusting regards
Germany - With ease
Japan - Go burn
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt - Fuck off now
France - In pain

I tag no one. If u're bored or in need of a laugh, try this =)

And she survived.. ;

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My FIRST visa n master card!! Granted it's a debit card (cuz i think my parents still don't trust me with a credit), i still get access to $$ which i didn't get before! =) *bask in my happiness*

OH! And my hamsters had a baby hamster! It was 2 weeks ago so now d baby is quite big d. Got fur n can open its eyes now. When 1st born dam disgusting cz it was pink all over n looked like raw meat. Lolx

Talking bout animals, shin yi's doggie, Berrie is super cute. Saw it when i went to her hse to make burnt chocolate cookies. Haha. N her dog likes to bite. Although it's painless, my hand was covered in red scratches.

And with those red scratches, i went to do a mani wit denise. And my manicurist was 1 crazy girl. Seriously. I know making small talks is normal n all but i talked with her maybe 2 sentence and suddenly i'm her new BFF. wtf?

When she saw my tattoo, she asked me to go pyramid the nx day 2 do tattoo with her. And when i told her i bz cz i might be going club, she aso wanted to join. Crazy shit. After that, she walked over to Denise n said so tmr how? wanna go where? Denise expression was like wtf? Haha.

But serious la, 1st time i met some 1 like that la. And i feel like doing mani again but kinda scared wanna go back there. Cz i din pick up her phone when she called me at night. Too scary la

I rmb when i was younger i loved to play this crocodile game. Cz it's dam exciting. You have to pull out it's teeth before the mouth snaps shut and clamp on your hand. When i got older, i have to pull out the teeth and put it back in. And each time the mouth snaps shut, it always scares me!
Haha

Rollercoaster scare the shit outta me so i played with this for adrenaline rush. Haha. Talking bout rollercoasters, i 1st played when i was dared -no dare was too kind, i was pracitally forced and pulled- to sit rollercoaster. And it no doubt scared me shitless. But it was super fun as well. So thanks 4 daring/forcing/pushing me to do it. Lol

My cousin's dog, Jasper. I almost kidnap it back home. =)

And she survived.. ;

Twitter Updates