Dancing In The Rain
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
In loving memory..
It's been exactly one week since she passed away. She didn't even get 2 do the surgery (it's another fucking long story). My mom called me bout 4.35pm on 17 march 2008 and asked me whether i can leave work cz d hosp called n said my grandma was in critical condition. So i rushed out from work n went 2 d hosp. My mom dropped me off at d lobby n i literally ran all d way 2 my grandma's room. Bt it was too late.
When i reached there i was my small aunty n howard standing outside n her bed curtain was pulled closely. I thought that d nurse was changing her or smtg cz i din look at them standing outside. But once i pulled open d curtain i realized that everything was bare. Empty. All d equipments were not at their usual place. The drip thingy n morphine was nt dere anymore. And a white blanket was pulled over her face. It was really horrible. I was a fucking mess that time.
When she died, she was alone. No one was there. Granted she might not be able to know that anyone was with her cz she was so heavily dosed on morphine (which help ease her pain n made her really really blur/ groggy). When my mom finally came up, i couldn't even look her in d eye cz i was afraid 2 see her cry. To see her sad. She went through d curtains n pulled down my grandma's blanket n whispered smtgs and all i did was stand at d curtain edge n cry. I couldn't even walk through d curtains. I didn't dare to look at my grandma. I didn't dare to touch her. Cz i didn't want to believe she left. All i just did was stand at d edge n cry my fucking eyes out.
If only there was no traffic jam when we were heading 2 d hosp.
If only i had told my boss i couldn't work that day and stick 2 my plan of being in d hosp 2 accompany her.
If only i had woke up earlier that day so i can follow my mom 2 d hosp in d morning to see her but instead i opt 2 sleep in.
If only my mom had follow her instinct 2 take d whole day off like she wanted to.
If only d fucking doctors didn't say she have at least 1-3 months left. She left us all too sudden.
The last thing she said to me (before she was on morphine) was that my hands are really cold. Cz i asked her if she was still cold bt all she said was it's painful. So i put my hands under d blanket 2 touch her hand but her hands felt warm in mine. Cz my hands were even colder than hers. Lolx. I don't even rmb d last time i hugged her.
And she died of lymphoma cancer. After 5 yrs of battling it and 3 1/2 rounds of chemo, it finally catch up to her. It was at d last stage and it even spread 2 her liver and abit in her lungs.
I really really miss her. Sometimes i still think that she's alive. But after 5 seconds, reality comes crashing. I couldn't sleep properly for days after she died. I couldn't even eat. Everytime i close my eyes, i see her with d blanket on her face. I see her wrapped like a mummy with strings tying her b4 they roll her 2 d morgue. I see her face in d coffin. Looks like she's slping but i knew better (she breathes through her mouth when she slps). I see her coffin at d cremation place with fire burning d coffin. Bt now, everytime before i slp, i think about how happy she is cz she finally can be with my grandpa. =)
I have quite alot of happy memories of her.
I rmb she took care of me when i was in standard 2-3.
I rmb her dishes were fantastically delicious.
I rmb her hands can really handle heat. It's like she can't even feel it.
I rmb she don't trust washing machines cz after d machines washes d clothes, she'll jz hand wash them again.
I rmb she loves make up (like me, vain pot). She even put make up when she's only accompanying me n my sis when waiting 4 bus.
I rmb she irons everything. Including underwears n hanky.
I rmb she use 2 give me 1 or 2 ringgit 2 buy sweets.
I rmb she swear dam keng in chinese.
I rmb her favourite food was "loh mai kai" and we promised her we'll buy her one once she's out from d hosp. Unfortunately she din make it. So i insisted 2 put it in her coffin so she can eat after. Lolx
And for that i really love her. I really miss her too.
And she survived.. ;