Dancing In The Rain
Friday, February 26, 2010
Many people don't know about this. Why am I writing this now? Cz I can't fucking sleep. AGAIN. And i've been drinking (to help me slp better) and it's been a couple of years already.
Selyna, u knew just a part of the reason why I broke up with him (if u still rmb cz it was a pretty long time ago lol). I'm an avoider/ignorer. So I don't talk bout things that hurts me. Anyway, I think in a way he is the reason why I don't want a bf now. I just can't take the emotional strain of a relationship. I like freedom. I like not having to worry about others. I like being myself without worrying what you think of me.
I don't know whether u still read my blog or not but I want to say that I cherished what we had. I really do. It started out like a fucking fairytale straight out of the story book. We were fucking great together. It would have been fucking fantastic if you didn't emotionally abuse me.
At first everything was fine. Then slowly u started changing me. Subtly and I was not even aware of it. At first it was just small things like me playing in the rain. Then it went on to things like the way I dress and how I interact with other people, especially guys. And alot of other things. Suddenly u made me feel like I'm not good enough for u. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't thin enough. I wasn't fair enough. I wasn't smart enough. I partied to much. I drank too much. I went out too much. And u were good. Really. U did all this without me realising it. The way u said it was so charming that I really didn't know. And I fell into your bullshit for 6 months. 6 fucking months. I really do give u credit for abusing me so long w/o me knowing. I was young. I was stupid.
But we would never ever get back together. No matter what u say. What we had was really good. But I woke up one day and ask myself why am I doing this to myself. I know I deserve better dammit. And since u, I've never had a serious bf. Yeah I had a few but no one lasted more than a month. I went on dates, I flirt with guys but I never had any intention of having a serious relationship anymore. Well, until I meet the right guy or whatever.
Which is good in a way. Cz I never want to be that girl. The girl who chooses where to study because of her bf. The girl who stayed in Msia because he is there instead of going to Australia or where ever she actually wants to. The girl whose life revolves around him and abandons most of her friends. I don't like being that girl. Sorry but my friends always comes before any boys. I would abandon my bf to go out with my besties. Cz I know after everything they are always there for me. Bf? Hmm, u've gotta convince me first.
And she survived.. ;